


Realization of a King

by Highkingeliot



Category: The Magicians (TV), The Magicians - Lev Grossman
Genre: Drug Use, Other, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-03
Updated: 2018-02-03
Packaged: 2019-03-12 23:59:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13558350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Highkingeliot/pseuds/Highkingeliot
Summary: Eliot is coming to terms with being king and takes it hard. Some difficult truths are pointed out to him by those who care about him.





	Realization of a King

I woke up and stared out the window. I wanted so bad to just get up and walk across the room, light up a smoke and spend the morning smoking like I did before but then I remember where I am. 

I’m stuck here in Fillory, no smokes, no drugs and not even a bit of whiskey to calm me down. 

“Fuck.” 

“What is wrong my king?”

“Nothing. Well, you wouldn’t get it.” I snapped. 

“I will help how I can my king.”

“Stop calling me that!”

“But you are our king.”

“Yeah, trust me, I remember.” I snapped looking down at my hand and remembering the knife from the other day. 

“What shall I do for you my king?”

“Look, can you just call me Eliot? This whole ‘my king’ thing is driving me nuts.” 

“As you wish, Eliot.” Her saying my name almost sounded foreign. 

“Thanks, I think.” I looked away and looked back out the window and wondered if it would be possible to find a smoke or some drugs or even a drink. 

“Eliot?” I heard a knock at the door. 

“Quentin?”

“Yeah.” 

I walked over and opened the door. 

“Oh thank God.” He stood there with a small box. “Did you get what I asked for?”

“This was the only box I could find in your room.”

“Where was it?” I asked trying to gauge what box he had brought back.

“The one in your nightstand.”   
“Good.” I took the box from him and held it close. 

“Um, so yeah… I’m…bye.” He rambled in his usual shy and nervous way before walking away.

“Thanks.” I called after him before heading to the bathroom with my box. 

“Can I help my king….um…Eliot?”

“No Fen, this is sort of a solo mission.” I called hoping she would assume I was going to the bathroom and leave me alone. I was mostly right in the fact that I heard her get up and slowly walk out of the room. 

I looked around the room and found a small mirror. I poured out some of the white powder from the small bottle I kept in the box and separated it out into neat lines with the card buried in the box. 

I looked around for something that I could use as a straw. 

I didn’t see anything at first. I hadn’t put anything in my box cause I almost always had something nearby that I could use. 

“Shit!”

I looked in all the drawers in the bathroom, nothing. I slinked out and looked around the room. I spotted a drink with a straw in it on the table. 

“Oh thank fuck, Fillory still has a straw.” I ran over and grabbed it and ran back to the bathroom.

I used a small knife to cut it to the right length and methodically did line by line that I had set out. 

I finished and started feeling dizzy. I turned to sit and felt the whole room spin and fell over. I felt my head hit something then closed my eyes.

 

“He’s in here!!”

“Shit. Fen found him!!”

“Eliot!!”

I felt someone shaking me but couldn’t wake up. 

“Eliot!!”

“Someone do something!!” 

The healers walked in and carried me to their rooms on the other end of the castle. 

I felt myself being carried but still could not move or wake up. 

They laid me down in the bed. I felt myself being laid on the bed and felt them putting things on me. I heard people talking but couldn’t make out what they were saying. 

I felt cold. It got darker they must have turned out the lights. I laid there, nothing really changed. I wasn’t awake but it’s not like I could fall asleep. 

I laid there in my nothingness until what seemed like an eternity later and I heard voices. 

“He can’t be gone.”

“I can’t believe he did this shit again.” 

“Again?”

“He’s done this before, not quite to this extreme but he’s had to sleep a few off.”

“Will he be ok?”

“I don’t know, like I said, he’s never done it this bad.”

I felt someone touch my hand.

“Please wake up Eliot. We need you.” 

I felt a bit of a rush. It must be the drugs making their way through my system. I felt a warm tingly feeling all over. I thought for sure it would wake me up but it didn’t. 

“I can’t believe you did this shit.” I heard Margo’s harsh words before she walked out. 

“Eliot, I know this isn’t easy for you but please wake up.” I heard a soft whisper and felt a tear hit my face. “You’re our king, we need you.”

I felt Fen softly kiss my forehead before she walked out of the room. 

I’m not your king. I’m not king of anything. Why couldn’t they just fucking make Quentin king. He’s the super fan of this Fillory shit, not me. 

I thought to myself. 

I laid there in my darkness and just wanted to cry. I couldn’t even do that. 

I felt my mind starting to relax and drifted off. 

“Eliot. What the hell are you wearing?”

“It’s just a dress shirt and a vest.”

“This ain’t one of them queer plays you like, this is farm life. Go take that shit off.”

“I like it.” I looked at my mom hoping she would defend me. She didn’t. She never did. 

“Go change honey.” She said as she put her hands on my shoulders. 

“I’m not working today, I have school. Why can’t I wear it to school?”

“You think you’re better than us? You’re farm folk just like us. You’re not some movie star or some shit. Go take that shit off. I don’t even know where you got that from but it’s going back.”

“You can’t take it back, I bought it with my own money!”

“Well, it’s gone. You ain’t dressing like that around here!”

“You’re just mad cause I have a shot at leaving this god forsaken shit hole and I look better than any of you!”

“Eliot!” I heard my mother yell.

Before I could process what was happening I felt a slap across my face. I fell to the floor. 

“Take that shit off. You ain’t going nowhere!” 

“He has school.”

“Not today he don’t he’s doing chores. All day!” 

I felt someone jerking me to stand up. 

“Please, not again! I’ll go change!” I tried to get away. I felt the tears running down my face.

“Stop crying you little….”

“NO!!!” I yelled, knowing what was coming next.

“ …you little faggot. Could you be more gay?”

I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces like it did every time he yelled at me this way. Lately it’s taken less and less to set him off. Today it was the way I dressed. Last week it was the fact I wanted to shower between field work and dinner. 

I felt him forcefully set me down. I couldn’t stop crying. 

“Go change, now!” He barked. 

I ran off to my room. I waited for just a moment before doing anything, half in shock and half hoping someone would come to my defense. I heard him walk out and slam the door and heard my mom just retreat to the kitchen and carry on her life like nothing even happened. 

I slowly took off my nice clothes. I set the vest on the bed noticing the tears from him picking me up the way he did. I took the shirt off. I could see the marks from where the tears hit and saw the small bits of blood on the collar from when he hit me. I folded it up and put them back in the box. Even as tattered as they were it was the nicest thing I had. 

I heard my father come bursting through the door. He stomped through the house and I could hear the thunderous pound of each boot as it hit the floor. He was getting closer and closer to my room. I shoved the box under the bed and hurried to grab a shirt and jeans. 

I heard my door slam open. 

I looked over to see he had his belt in his hands. 

I turned away just in time as he swung the fresh leather strap. I felt the sting as it left it’s mark on my back. 

I yelled. 

“There, remember that next time you think you’re better than us!”

I cowered down waiting for what was next. 

“Get up!” I felt him pull me up. “Get your ass out to those fields and get to work!”

I quickly walked out without looking behind me. I could hear the pounding of each boot matching my steps. He was right behind me. I made it out the door and ran across the yard out to the field. I ran into the barn. Surely he’d leave me alone now. He’d think I was feeding the animals. 

I felt the sting of where my back was cut open. My shirt was starting to stick to where the belt cut me. I felt tears welling in my eyes. 

I looked up as I passed one of the feed pans in the barn. I saw the marks on my face and how bloodshot my eyes were. I looked like a shattered skeleton of who I saw in my head. 

“Fuck you!” I yelled and slapped the pan to shake the image. 

I poured a scoop of food in the pans for the horses. We only had two and we were very clearly informed they weren’t pets they were for work. We weren’t to love them they were tools. 

I petted them anyway. 

I finished feeding the animals and walked into the shed. I had two goals in this, one to stay away from my father as long as I could and two, to find something to end my misery. 

I’m not your king……I’m not……

I felt warmth hit my face. I wanted to open my eyes and at the same time just wanted to cry. 

I felt myself starting to shake. What the hell? I’m not cold.

“Eliot! Eliot!”

“Shit!!”

I heard lots of commotion as more people came into the room. 

“Save him!!”

“Eliot!”

“Everyone out!!” 

I felt a sharp pain. My mind flashed back instantly to the times I’d done drugs before when I shot up hiding behind the barn to deal with all that happened to me. 

“He’s not responding.”

I felt someone grab my arm tightly. My mind flashed to the times my father would grab my arm so hard it’d leave bruises. 

“We can’t lose him!!”

“He’s not shaking anymore.”

“Eliot?”

“Check if he’s breathing.”

“NO!!!” 

I shot up and grabbed the healer’s hand. I had my fist drawn back ready to fight and almost swung before I realized that he wasn’t my father. 

I heard the doors fly open.

“Eliot!” 

It was Margo. 

“What the actual fuck were you doing?”

“Not now.” 

“No, right fucking now!”

“I can’t deal with this now!”

“Well you’re going to.”

“No!”

“Eliot!”

“No! I don’t have to deal with this shit!” I stood up and immediately fell over.

“Look, you can’t do this shit anymore!”

“I can do what I want!”  
“Like it or not, these people need you. You were chosen to rule their kingdom. You’re their fucking king. Act like it!”

“I’m not a king. I’m not a ruler. I’m not anything!”

“You are to us.” I heard Fen again. “You’re our king and we do need you.”

“You’ll be fine. You can find another king.”

“No, the blade chose you. It took decades to find you. If you go we may never find another child of Earth to be our king. The beast will take over and we’re done for.” 

“Well I’m sorry but I’m not the one you want as king.” I looked away and my mind raced with all the things I was called when I was younger. Everything under the sun and none of them were anywhere close to ‘king’. 

“On Earth you were far from king. Here you are our ruler for a reason. We don’t choose our leaders. Fillory does. Fillory knows what it needs.” 

“Look Fen, not that I don’t appreciate this movie like pep talk but ……”

“Eliot.”

I looked at her and didn’t know what to say. She walked over and sat down next to me. 

“I know this isn’t what you would have chosen but, I love you and so does Fillory.”

“No you don’t. You just love me cause some legend says you have to like the person that blade cuts open.” I looked away frustrated. 

“It’s more than that. Maybe at first, yes, but it’s more than that. Since you’ve been here, I’ve loved you more and more. I’ve learned more about you and I do like you.” She reached out and took my hand. 

“Look, people don’t love me, they get close to me but they always leave or hurt me and I can’t go through that.”

“I’m not leaving and neither is Margo or anyone here. I’m sure if your family knew about all you’ve done they’d be proud.”

“Proud?!” I snatched my hand away. “Proud? No. They’d be anything but proud.” I scoffed and looked away. 

“I’m sure they loved …”

“No.” I interrupted. “They didn’t love me. They were happy to have more hands to help on the farm but love was not on their mind. I was just the little faggot boy my father expressed his disappointment with every time he got the chance. They wouldn’t be proud. They wouldn’t be happy. They wouldn’t give two shits about any of this. If I told them I was a magician they’d try to kill me. If I told them I was a king they’d …. Well they’d probably try to kill me to take my spot. Cause God knows my father could do a better job ruling than I could cause what good could a little gay boy do for a whole kingdom?”

“I had no idea….”

“Yeah Fen, not a whole lot of people have an idea cause I spent my whole damned life trying to become anything but what that fucking place tried to make me.” 

“Eliot.” She tried to calm me. 

“I found out I was a magician cause I killed a man. I thought a thought and he was gone. I got into Brakebills cause I went into a shed to grab a rope to hang myself from our barn rafters and ended up in the hallway of a school.”

“Why didn’t you tell me this before?”

“I told you about Brakebills and Q and Margo.”

“You never told me about when you were young though. I had no idea. But you overcame that and now you’re a king.”

“Yeah, some king.” I snapped with all the sarcasm I had.

“Yes, our king. And we need you. I need you and something tells me you need Fillory too. What did you think would happen when you came here?”

“Honestly? I thought I’d jump through the fountain not knowing what was on the other side and I thought I’d die.” I looked away.

She reached over and turned my face to meet hers. 

“And instead you became a king. You were meant for something greater. You beat all the stuff that happened in your past and you beat death. You wanted it all to end and instead you became greatness, you became royalty. We need you Eliot.” She moved closer and hugged me. “I need you.” I heard her voice crack. 

I slowly reached up and hugged her back. 

“I’m sorry.” 

“I’m glad you’re ok.” She sat back and looked at me. She looked over at the table and saw my crown sitting there. 

She reached over and picked it up and smiled. 

“You’re going to be a good king.” She said and put the crown on me. 

“Quentin said the same thing.”

“He’s right.” She smiled and stood up. “Get some rest. We can talk more tomorrow. You need your rest.”

I took a deep breath and slowly let it go. “Thanks Fen.”

“I love you.” 

I looked up at her and smiled. 

“I love you too El.” I heard Margo chime in from the corner. “I’m glad you’re ok but don’t do this again, ok?” She walked over and took my hands. “We need you.” I looked up and saw the tears in her eyes.

I’d never seen Margo this close to crying. That hit me hard. 

“I know your family wasn’t there for you and I know it was hell for you but we’re your family now and we love you. Some of us more than others….” She glanced over at Quentin. “….but we do love you El.” She bent down and hugged me. She kissed me on the cheek and walked out of the room. 

“I’m glad you’re back El.”

“Thanks Q.”

“Look. I….Ummm…”

“You don’t have to say anything Q.”

“I had no idea about your dad El.” 

“Well, not everyone has a family like yours Q.”

“I know but…” He shyly brushed the hair out of his face. 

“It’s fine Q.” 

“No, it’s not. That was total shit. I mean like to live with that, I can’t imagine and it sucks.” 

“Yeah, it does but if that’s the reason I’m here now then I guess I’ll take it. I can’t change it so I might as well use it to make me a better and stronger person.” 

“God, El.”

“It’s fine Q.”

He walked over and hugged me tightly. 

I hugged him back. 

“Glad you’re ok.” 

“Me too.”

I hugged him a bit tighter and for the first time in a while it felt like this whole king thing may not be as bad as I thought. 

I laid down and slowly took my crown off and set it on the table next to me. I looked out the window. 

“Goodnight Fillory.” I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.


End file.
